You see, or, perhaps not, the Golden Gate Bridge is still just as brilliant even when obscured by the perpetual fog that squats over the strait in summer. Or is it?

If beauty and brilliance is there, but left blurred or altogether eclipsed by the upwelling of busy-ness and what ultimately matters little, is the beauty really there if not seen?

The vaporous mass of 2020 has held transformational change, a horde of emotions, division, life milestones, and more. It has left so much beauty obscured. Then again, other exquisite things have opened and become treasured.

The year began with a collision of personal loss of what was most dear paralleled by the slow and steady swarm of microscopic invaders whose indiscriminate and random attacks led to an overthrow of the human condition. Further and forever tainted by ideological division, conspiracy theories, social injustices, character vacuums at a time when we needed moral clarity the most, and a lack of dialogue.

The wounds remain fresh and unexpectedly raw. Their sting revealed in the late hours of the night and at first wake; in the artifacts and pictures and memories that cannot and should not be erased. Sometimes in dreams. Signs of healing are there, too. Stitches come in the form of new little lives, new love, the return of friendships seemingly lost or diluted, and inspiring ventures and adventures. The emotional rehab reveals new strengths and capabilities. Families and loved ones found intimacy and the proverbial “quality time” driven by an unwelcome quarantine whose ironic effect was to bring us…closer.

I will not try and forget 2020. I will work to embrace its lessons. I pray that its fury and toxic layer be appreciated but not welcome for a return. I will hope strongly that some things disappear forever; and I hope others will return and allow me to hold close their beauty and never let the fog steal its most permanent place.

I was leaving the pristine mountains of the Pisgah National Forest after 3 exhilarating mountain bike rides. After a perfect weekend with friends I stayed in Asheville one more day in order to get a few more miles of crazy exciting trails and to say Thank You to nature and her wonder.

As I left Bent Creek and headed for the interstate taking me back into Asheville, I was struck by the number of State Trooper vehicles speeding past me in both directions. I counted 17. Then, the colors and the banners and the lawn chairs and the people in ball caps and camouflage pants and shirts started to appear. American flags and confederate flags and MAGA hats were everywhere. With each mile there were more and more and more. It was like the lining of the boulevard for a parade. I was reminded that is was the first day of the RNC and perhaps POTUS was going to have a motorcade detour to this wonderful region of North Carolina. I prayed for an exit.

The crowds grew thicker by the mile. Folks with smiles and some with scowls waving their posters and banners. It looked like the 4th of July, but had more the feel of a Slender Man convention.

I had to stop for gas. I slowed and pulled in to a station along Brevard Highway, my 3 bikes loaded on my orange Subaru filled with bags and wine coolers, a guitar, and all manner of what is required to sustain life in the woods or with nutty friends at an Airbnb.

I had no sooner opened my driver-side door when a friendly-enough guy walked up and reached out to hand me a bumper sticker and a pamphlet. The organization: The Silent Majority. He wore jeans and work boots. His hands leathery and dirty from what I am certain is an honest job and one that adds value. His voice gritty from the combination of a lifetime of smoking and a couple of hours yelling at orange Subarus.

This is a close transcript of the conversation that ensued between me (ME) and the Silent Majority Guy (TSMGUY).

ME:
Hi. I’ll take the pamphlet, but keep the number sticker for someone else.

TSMGUY:
Why don’t you want the sticker? You’re not one of those Obama-loving socialists, are you?

ME:
Well, I am not a socialist and I was and am a fan of President Obama.

TSMGUY:
Well, seems to us that if you liked that muslim guy then you must be a socialist.

ME:
Another two-parter here. First of all, President Obama is not a muslim, although that would not change my support of him in the least as a man or as a politician. And, once again, I am not a socialist; I am a capitalist with a conscience.

“And once again, my new friend, I am not a socialist; I am a capitalist with a conscience.“

Roadside chat Me and TSMGUY

TSMGUY:
What the hell does that mean? Capitalist…communist…same thing.

ME (looking very confused):
Do you have any idea what you just said?

TSMGUY (walking away to next target):
You have a good day, man. Make America Great Again.

ME:
You do the same. Truer words never spoken. But not with this guy.

I offered a peace sign as he slowly jogged away. He returned a hand gesture of his own, minus one finger.

All I could do was invoke the southern phrase that is usually mixed with a touch of well-intended concern and disingenuous affection, “Bless his heart.”

This morning’s news was dark. More and more illness and death from a pandemic. More protests from non-violent and peace-seeking people bewildered and oppressed during their lifetime and representing the generations before them, blended with others who stand with and for them. More violent protests and violent response from those perhaps misguided, misjudged, and misled — who am I to say? I am not them, the protesters or the law enforcers. Angry weather breaking and entering the southern coast. And the stories of the rich and powerful having their way; or losing their way.

And then, fifth in line, the news of the celebration of the life of John Lewis and his final crossing of the Edmund Pettus Bridge in Selma, Alabama. A metaphorical tapestry masterpiece. A bridge. A casket. A flag. A body of honor was on its way to rest in the Nation’s capital, but first crossing the very place it was beaten, just under the name of a man who was a grand dragon of the Ku Klux Klan. A sweltering summer day in the south where the images of toil and suffering are not as distant as some would like to believe but where the hope and promise John Lewis labored for still shines as brightly as the July sun.

It would be easy to resign the day to everything that is dark. Easy to let cynicism overcome idealism in these days and in these moments. Easy to blame or subscribe to conspiracy theories in lieu of truth because the truth is less animate. Easy to just turn it off and pivot to social media to escape with dances and pictures of cats and memes of all kinds that serve as Teflon for the hard reality around us.

Today, I choose to focus on story #5. I choose to remember words that have the potential to unite humanity. A person who led with conviction and empathy, and kindness but did so with a strong will and a relentless quest of justice. I will bring my book with me to the woods and read some of my favorite passages from Walking With The Wind. I’ll be glad the rest of this day that despite the dark that so anxiously seeks to consume and divide and crush the spirit of good, we are…I am…seeking and appreciating what is beautiful in this life. My family. My friends. My love. My pursuits and passions. Nature. My opportunity, privilege, and burden to contribute to a better society and a better evolution of self.

“You are a light. You are the light. Never let anyone – any person or any force – dampen, dim or diminish your light. Study the path of others to make your way easier and more abundant.” ~ John Lewis

It was late night. We were headed back from uptown when we saw a woman walking down Johnston Road. She was tugging a luggage cart with what appeared to be a suitcase and other items in strapped on. She wore a reflective vest. Vera said–in her emphatic and empathic voice–“We have to see if she needs help!” I was already headed for the next U-turn. As we pulled over near the Ballantyne Country Club, I got out of the car and approached the traveler. She didn’t appear too concerned or at threatened by my approach.

I introduced my self and she said, “Hello, my name is May.”

May is homeless—by choice. She said she was in North Carolina for a time and eventually headed for Baltimore. Vee got out of the car once she knew it was safe. We chatted with May for a few moments. As I observed her broken down cart I asked if she would allow me to give her one that I had stored in my garage that might be easier to tow. She was immediately grateful and said, “Why, yes. Are you sure?” We agreed to meet in a few moments as she journeyed further north toward Harris Teeter or the even further to i485. I raced home and got the beach wagon/cart and headed back to Johnston Road.

We saw her tugging her cargo of belongings just under the 485 overpass. We made the turn and pulled over on the shoulder just ahead of her. Our new friend was a little surprised at our return. I pulled the cart out of the Subaru and we started re-packing her belongings in it. May and Vee moved some things around and tested it for ergonomics and road readiness. It was an instant hit. We chatted a bit longer about her plans to stay in a local mission and eventually head for Maryland. We wished her well, gave her some money for meals and whatever else she might need, exchanged hugs, and got in the car and drove away. We worried about her, but we were grateful to have perhaps done something nice for someone in need.

Fast forward two weeks and our trip to Oak Island. We were driving on Interstate 74 on the outskirts east of Monroe, NC. We were actually talking about May and wondering how she was doing. Not five minutes later, Vee yelled (and I do mean, YELLED), “Look, look. It’s her. It’s May!” We couldn’t believe it. There she was, almost 80 miles from where we first met her, on the opposite side of the highway, pulling her green wagon toward the city.

I made an immediate U-turn and found a parking lot in front of an appliance store just ahead of her trek. We both jumped out and approached her. She looked a little surprised until I enthusiastically said, “Maaaay…It’s Sean and Vera…your friends from a couple of weeks ago that gave you the cart.” Her face lit up with the most delightful smile.

We gleefully expressed our joy in the serendipity. She said she was on her way to the library and working on getting some of her belongings shipped to Baltimore ahead of her upcoming quest. A few more moments of chat, another offering of some spending money, another embrace, a photo, and we went our separate ways.

We got back in the car and exchanged smiles mixed with joy and hope. This was a special moment. A reminder that we may not be able to save the world (today), but we can add something good to it from time to time. We can make new friends in the most unlikely of circumstances and we can find them again.

Godspeed, May. I hope you get home soon. Otherwise, we might find you again another day.

I looked in my son’s eyes at this reunion. Images flood as I retire to journal after the first day of time again. I see Lincoln Logs and Lego. Ninja Turtle moves and chasing a butterfly as goalkeeper while other 5-6 year olds mold around a soccer ball and move like tug-o-war somewhere at midfield. Laser Tag birthday parties and Pop Tarts after school. Later, at 15, walking in the den as I played and asking, “Dad, will you teach me that song on guitar?” One of my favorite moments. School plays where this peaceful teen transformed into animation and song. Baseball, football, wrestling and all things athletic while the arts tugged alongside. Books filled with the fantasies of Tolkien and C.S. Lewis and of a boy named Harry. Flying in to Nashville just in time to hear him play his first gig and his first (and perfect) original. Pranks and bonfires and time with friends who stay friends. All boy. Always kind. Playful and pensive. Destined for something great

Then, the middle years. Somewhere between 11th grade, through college, and to this day. The years when when hobby and interests turn to passion and mission. When values and ideologies and philosophies are tested and changed. Or affirmed. A love. Vows, to a mate of a lifetime and vows to his country. And there are the dogs. Oh, the dogs that always seem to find a home in a Keyser pad. The decision to be a healer and a soldier. A leader of men and women. Between the studies, the weddings, the funerals, the contracts, the moves from base to base, the training, city to city, and hospital to hospital, we find ourselves here.

In these few days we did what we do. We talked about being human, being an American, a citizen. Politics and fast cars. Healthcare from the perspective of healers and administrators and advocates. We journeyed through the broken years and the moments and the days that have healed along the way. We laughed at the stories and how they are colorfully garnished with time. Watched a movie, and then another, and then another. Shared time in worship and song. We visited wineries and tasting rooms that line the hills and valleys of this pristine state. We offered our own tasting notes and made fun of the ones penned by others whose taste is something of another planet or palate (“graphite?). We placed targets along a pulley at a gun range and tested our skills and then watched my own Bonnie and Clyde at work. We went to the woods and gathered and chopped wood and built a fire and watched it light up the cool Washington night while the dogs chased and tirelessly played. Cheese and fruit and a bottle of Syrah. We walked through the personalities and the eccentricities of those we love and those we acquaint. We rested.

Then came time to leave. Breakfast and coffee. Small talk. A ride into the city and to the airport. A nervous look around the car for things forgotten just to add seconds or minutes. They never knew. An embrace and parting words like those as if returning in days. I walked into to a terminal full of hurried bodies. A glance back and the little Honda was gone. The tears find their release and the deep breaths keeps them at bay.

I don’t know if I have ever actually said those indelible parent’s words, “All grown up now.” But today, of all days, I find myself quietly offering them as my attention is fixed on the pictures on my phone while ignoring the TSA agent patiently motioning me through PreCheck, as if she knew.

To our beautiful Jenny—I love you. And I love the way you are.

Logan—I love you with a full heart and thank God every day for the treasure that is you.

“Godspeed, Little Man.”

Dad

Personal best? The weekend’s rides were a series of little ones—not one overall. Getting to the best part of me as a son, a father, a partner, a businessman, a citizen, a musician, a writer, a paddler, a friend, or a rider, takes training and practice and a little gutsy resolve.

The trails are Nature’s mentor in many ways. Learning where the lines are cleanest and where the roots and jumps can be most treacherous. Constant attention and familiarity reduces risk and offers up a predictably better finish. But taking the familiar and continuously improving on the same path lures one into staying on that path because we know it. Living life, I mean living it, has much to do with trying, and failing, at the proverbial “less traveled.” I am drawn to the unknown. I love it best when the woods are quiet and deep and absent of other humanity, but full of an audience of wildlife whose bleachers are the trees and the creeks and under the logs and around the fallen things.

I rode various trails over the two days. For whatever reason, with each approach to the places that offered the safer (bypass) or Expert options, I chose only
the more challenging path. There are times I want to glide and enjoy the maturing of a faster outcome for the whole. But these two days were more about getting a little better at the edges, the hazards, the precarious. It was an attitude. I wanted to explore both new terrain and new potential.

So I pushed. I never clocked my overall time. I did find that my turns were sharper, some of my landings more solid, my acceleration out of the turns faster, and a little more air was under the frame.

At the top of Whitewater’s Goat Hill, I smiled. The burn in my thighs was matched by a rapid pulse and mild gasps for the Spring air. I tried, and succeeded at single-gearing it all the way.

The next day, on the ramp at Beatty I did what I thought I would never do. I jumped off the down ramp instead of carefully leaning back and sliding through the descent. I landed hard but never lost stride. There is this adrenaline that is rooted in fear at the pull of the bars heading into the jump, then, an equal amount that turns to a rush of “Holy Shit, I just did that.” This chemistry of opposing highs mixed with the familiar racing through clean lines and the known paths made for a day to remember.

A blueprint for life.

Sean

What can a 20″ wide bridge over a small creek teach me about leadership and life. Riders ride and train on these trails all the time. There is

this one bend that leads down to a short bridge over a tiny creek that, for whatever reason, is the nemesis for so many. I have watched for years and even succombed myself to flying around the bend only to throw on the brakes just prior to the bridge. There are MANY more technical elements on this nice set of trails. But THIS ONE gets in a rider’s head. The fear of not hitting it just center and possibly sliding off to a two-foot drop (not much even if it happened, but would require dumping the bike) is enough to almost give it a nickname.

On those days when I’m not thinking about it–or about the 3 or 4 other challenging ramps or drops–I fly right over it. Then on other other days when feeling less confident and thinking too much, the anxiety builds 1/4 mile away and often results in a redo.

I recently parked my jeep at the trails near the ballfields at the park. I stopped to watch the kids in practice and was taken back to the best times in the best places. The diamonds of my early and late youth. Those proverbial fields of dreams that so shaped me and caused me to love the sport … and all sports. As I watched the infielders taking grounders and the batters taking pitches I was reminded that skill may come naturally to some, but much of the game is about practice. As a second baseman and shortstop most of my baseball career I have taken thousands and thousands of grounders. It built a sense of timing and led to an almost intuitive response to the dance between the ball and the grass and the dirt and the velocity off of the bat. Kids in T-ball or the pros whose season began only days ago have the same routine. Grounder after grounder. Pitch after pitch. Swing after swing. Throw after throw. The result is confidence and continuous skill improvement.

I jumped on my bike and took the shortcut to the bridge. Not a rider in the woods this early evening. A cool breeze swirled around the trees just getting fitted in Spring’s green. The trail’s dirt just moist enough after the weekend’s rain to offer a little extra grip.

I got some speed, looked ahead at the descent and the bridge, took the high route and flew right over it. I had no sooner taken the bridge and the subsequent 90 degree turn uphill that I grabbed a shortcut and headed back to run it again. Two, three, ten, twelve times. With each turn and brake adjustment and gear change this tentative annoying 8 foot stretch over moss covered rock became insignificant.

There are these things in our lives that get in our head. We avoid them or go around them or excuse them away. The rear their ugly self and try and rob confidence. They wake me from time to time and attempt to distract me from the good.

I choose more these days to lean into them. To practice. To take the speedy grounders that hit me in the chest or brush my arm and leave a leather burn and, more often, land in the sweet spot of my life’s glove.

Practice, practice, practice. I will.

So many good things happened this week in my little world of healthcare delivery for patients and families and our guests. I spent time with new and seasoned providers in dialogue about compassion; I spent time with fellow administrators planning for a year or two or three to come in design of capital and operational needs for a system in transition; I learned from thought leaders and from my pals in the experience playground.

But, the lessons and the motivation and the inspiration and the growth could only go so far. My mind and my heart was pulled on to the world stage as well. The sadness and the grief in Paris and in other pockets of the planet wouldn’t leave me. My head was fogged by the responses from the right and left and all over the directional and ideological map.

I cannot entirely begrudge the emotional, and often ignorant responses to the terror that has taken place. My hope is that reason, accompanied by compassion, and mercy, and open hearts will prevail. My hope is that we find a balance of caution and servitude; empathy and protection; hope for the hopeless and care for those in our lines.

For those who continue to deny the truth and hold fast to their ultra anti-muslim rhetoric, I hope for enlightenment over sick prejudice. By now, we should know that ISIL or ISIS or whatever acronym given to these petty thugs has NOTHING to do with Islam. They use it as a cheap cardboard sign to gain a proverbial radical dollar at a traffic light of world order. “Will inflict terror for attention.”

A short course in history will reveal that terrorism has its roots in ideology, be it political, economic, religious, or other causes or themes. In this case, political motive is wrapped in a perverted and fictitious connotation of Islam. But, understanding that would actually require learning beyond what a Fox News anchor offers in seven seconds or a Ted Cruz or Donald Trump grandstand for cheap votes and a wall. It’s a little more complicated than throwing down a nationalist moat.

Terror, as we know it today has been around as long as humanity. The Nazis inflicted terror through an Aryan claim to justify “scientific” racism and anti-semitism. Fascists terrorized in the name of nationalism. Leaders and regimes have engaged in terror through ethnic cleansing in order to achieve ethnic homogeneity. And yes, less than a couple of hundred years ago our own thugs engaged in the terror (yes, “terror”) of slavery and justified it as an economic and evolutionary right.

Today these displaced and misplaced freaks are brilliantly hijacking a religion to mask their apocalyptic and narcissistic agenda. And we are buying it. And so are some of the potential leaders of the “free” world. Ironically, our freedom comes with risk. One of those risks is that we might go into a “Judeo-Christian” foxhole and display the antithesis of freedom in order to shelter from the possibility of radicalism. The ultra-Christian who blows up a women’s clinic is no less a terrorist. The white-supremacist who stones and hangs and shoots and burns is no less a terrorist. The anarchist who blows a building in Oklahoma is no less terrorist.

Yes, pause and consider what danger is among us. Blend defense with humanity. It is where we began. In our short history—and I do mean, “short”—our experiment in democracy and a better exercise in equality has such promise. I still believe in most politicians, believe it or not. I still hope that the men and women in congress and in other office will reach deeper than a sound bite or the fear of an idea so much that we abandon our own origin.

At the end of Friday’s retreat, we reached into a bag to retrieve touchstones as a token from the event. I couldn’t help but offer a smile and prayer for hope at the gifting irony.

Peace. Dream. Charity.

Sean

Part one: This was an experiment. I had a T.V. go out a little over a month ago. My auto response was to run to Best Buy and get a bigger, higher definition, smarter one. I didn’t. Instead, I cut off cable for a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not on some cause to leave a less electronic footprint. Just curious about where my attention lands when there aren’t 500 plus channels, like dogs and cats in the pet store vying for my gaze and adoption.

Part two: I packed up one stack of books last year and donated them to Goodwill. The second stack is waiting on the bottom floor of my townhouse waiting for the same transfer. There are over 100 of them. Today might have been the day. Returning from Florida after a trying and joyous and scary time. Feeling a need to continue to purge and return to simpler.

Part three: Listened to an interview with theoretical physicist, Lisa Randall. Among many things she spoke to, one quote grabbed me. “We often fail to notice things we are not expecting.” This comment, from an author I truly enjoy and think has a beautiful balance of matter and what matters struck me about where I am right now.

Dénouement: Returning from a time in which mortality and meaning hit me in the face, I want even more to be distracted less. I want to slow and notice and not be so programmed into what is expected and miss the things I will ultimately love the most. I read a lot late at night following hospital visits and family time. I wrote. I walked and listened to singer-songwriters who capture these very things.

I returned home to conversation I missed so much, proximity of love, a shared glass, time with friends in celebration of life and birth, to no plans and letting the day carry us where it will.

And on the way out the door this morning for a crisp November ride in the woods, I saw my stack of books. There are passages and titles asking me for a little more attention before they are off to their new home. I wasn’t expecting that.

“To want what I have and to take what I’m given with grace.” ∼ don henley